My wish for you is that

Back at Pitt already. Am loving and hating it, if that makes sense. Actually, I'm just hating being away from my friends back home, of which I've made more of over the end of the summer that I was sad to leave. The boy drama is already brewing again, just by being back here, but I'm much more...chill about it this year. Especially because I met a new one this summer. It's not that exciting - he has a girlfriend too, but he's a good guy and a great friend. So we'll see. Classes started today, am sort of excited but it will be an ass kicking semester, that's for sure. Here's to a good year.
<3

I'm so uncertain right now. One second things are good, and the next I don't know where to turn.

My problem is that I still see him as more than a friend. I can't look at him yet and smile and joke and not add some flirtacious comment, or sense some sexual undertone. When he tickles me, I still get butterflys, and not in the sense that my body simply reacts that way to being tickled. I can't stand next to him and just be next to him. That part hasn't happened yet, and quite frankly, I'm not sure it ever will. But if I want to keep him as a friend, and I really, really do, than I have to make it happen. I just don't know how.

We all went to Knoebels Amusement Park yesterday: me, Charley, Alex, and Amanda, since it was kind of central for all of us. It was a fantastic time, especially since it was the first time I'd seen Alex or Amanda since school let out 2 months ago. I drove up to Charley's house and hopped in his car so he could drive the rest of the way; since Allentown was on the route the map was telling me to go anyway, it just made sense to stop and carpool. The drive was nice - it's gorgeous once you start getting up towards northern PA- and the conversation was here and there, nothing really heavy. But that's part of the reason I noticed that I haven't gotten over him - if I had, the conversation would have been different, and I'm not really sure how to explain how it would have been different. It just would have flowed better I think, and I probably could've talked to him about more....personal? serious? things. I'm not really sure. I also feel like if our relationship went the other way, as in an actual relationship, that I'd also be able to talk to him more than I do now. It's just this weird middle stage I'm in that's hindering something. Anyway, the park was great. Knoebles is more of a family place, so it didn't have as many epic rollercoasters as say, Dorney or Six Flags, but it was still pretty fun, and cheap! Since you only pay per ride, I probably only spent like 25$ on tickets and  lunch. We ended up spending probably about 7 hours there, so we made the most of it. On the way home we stopped at Charley's nana's house and said hello, and I ended up finally meeting his family when we got back to his house, which was also a nice surprise. All in all, it was great.

Except for the fact that I pretty much cried the whole ride home from Charley's house, because of the aforementioned problem, that I'm still not over him in the slightest.

 I told Charley last night that I was done with any aspect of our relationship other than our friendship. Since he's started going with his girlfriend, he still flirts with me, and we even hooked up one time during a night of very bad judgement on my part. I can't take this anymore. I've been trying to sift out my feelings for him for the past 6 or 7 months, and everytime I think I've finally found the clasp, I drop the necklace and it gets all tangled up again. I honestly don't know what I feel for him anymore. I know that he's a sweet-talking, manipulating, charming flirt who hits on anything that has boobs and walks. I also know that he can be a gentleman, a good listener when needed and a funny guy to have around. But he has a girlfriend now! He seems to think that things can continue on between us as they were before, when we were in our tenuous friends-with-benefits stage. But I refuse to be the hookup, the other girl. And I finally told him last night that I didn't think it was a good idea anymore. Here's the about of our conversation, which was via text, by the way.

Him: Oh kellie. Is it so bad?
Me: It wouldn't be if you weren't already with someone. What would she say if she knew?
Him: True
Me: What do you think about it?
Him: You have a point
Me: I know that. But is that all?
Him: Well what happened shouldn't have

And then I told him that I agreed, it wasn't right, and that I think it should stop.

Him: Well then that ends it here. Despite how enjoyable it is its through.
Me: That was blunt. Still friends though?
Him: Sorry. Of course we're still friends. You just made your side seem really blunt so I figured I would keep with the theme.
Me: I'm sorry. I just...can't. She should come first.
Him: Well of course she does.
         But sometimes I think about you and want to keep up old relations.
Me: Which would be fine if the scenerio was the same as then. No girl wants to be second.
Him: I know sweetie.

It really hit me, when he said she came first so nonchalantly- like who else would be before her? It was definitely a wake up call. So that's that. It's done. I just hope he doesnt go replace me with the next hot thing that walks by and waves, because this girl deserves more. Just like I deserve more. I really hope I made him think twice, though I'm not so sure.

But part of me really didn't want to do it. Does that make me a horrible person? Gosh, I never would have thought that I'd be on this side of the fence. Never in a thousands years. Part of me still likes him, despite everything I've seen and gone through with him. But even if he were to dump his girlfriend and suddenly see how wonderful I was, ask me out and be with me, what evidence do I have that he wouldnt do the exact same thing he did to her, to me? Ugh, I hate this. I think that my best bet is to really try to move on, to find another boy, one who cares. Really, really cares. I can do this. I think.

So I'm officially done my freshman year at Pitt. It's so bittersweet to be leaving. I was talking to Amanda this morning (who I'm going to miss so much! I love her to death. She really turned out to be a great friend here.) and we decided that what we were feeling wasn't that we didnt want to go home - because we all do. I mean, come on, no homework or nasty finals, good REAL homecooked food, highschool friends and SUN. But we just don't want to leave here. I think we've all fallen in love with Pittsburgh in a way we never imagined would happen. I wish I could have the best of both worlds. But Amanda only lives about an hour and change away, same as Nicole, and we've already made plans to get together over the summer to go to this amazing 10 course Morrocan resaturant in Delaware called Casablanca. We've also talked about meeting up and camping at Knobles and going to the theme park. So it should be a fun summer, and we'll all be back next semester anyway. It's just....weird to be leaving. I learned so much about life this year though, both good and bad, and I wouldn't trade a second of it for anything in the world. I don't think I could have asked for a better first year of college.

My dad's coming tomorrow and I havent even started packing. Yikes.

So the past week has been really wonderful, actually. The Nursing Formal on Friday was so much more than I expected and even more fun than I thought possible. :] I looked HOT. And I knew it too, which made it all the more better. It didnt matter that Charley was there with his girlfriend. I know he saw me. I know he saw me dance too, and probably more importantly, because I rock dance floors like nobody's buisness. So I proved my point without saying anything, which was exactly what I wanted. All I did was wave to him once the whole night, and spent the rest in a congo line and dance circle with my awesome nursing girls. The food was good, music was danceable and the drunk seniors provided adaquate entertainment. I'll put pictures under the cut at the end here.

Saturday was awesome because I saw Secondhand Serenade and The Acadamey Is here at Pitt during the big spring fest they threw. They both were really good and it was a good time. Then me and Amanda and Nicole vegged on early easter candy and watched Thank You For Smoking, which was excellently witty and well put together in way stupid movies like Superbad arent (even though I thrououghly enjoyed Superbad...it's just pointless where this movie had a lot of good points to it). Yesterday I went to church alone with Charley since Alex couldnt make the later service. We also went to lunch, but it was all uneventful. Although, I did tell him he could still talk to me, girlfriend regardless, because it shouldnt matter if we're friends. He said he knew that, so hopefully the line of communication will open up a bit more between us, since I havent really had a meaningful conversation with him since before Spring Break, and that was over a month ago...Anyway, I'm still working on getting over him. I'm trying to forget Christmas break, and all that happened before and shortly after that, becuase obviously he's changed, and I have too, so it's not worth gluing myself to the past. It's been working too, but I did see one picture in particular of them from formal, hugging and smiling in front of the camera and I couldnt help but let a tear escape and ask myself what she knows that I dont. I know that's counter productive, but you have to understand how completely frustrated with myself I was, and how utterly used and worthless I felt when I was first told they were dating. I just couldnt help it. I couldnt believe I had been so stupid and naive and had even seen this coming and STILL went for it. But anyway, it's almost summer, and I wont be here, I'll be home, in good old Lansdale, and Charley will be in Allentown and things will be warm and sunny and wonderful.

Then later me Ale, Amanda, and Nicole hopped a bus to Squirrel Hill and mulled around all the cutsie little shops, got ColdStone ice cream, went grocery shopping, came back and ordered Chinese and watched The Wedding Singer. Fabulous. <3 All in all it was one of those perfect weekends, where I didnt do anything I was supposed to, relaxed, had fun and just generally enjoyed life. Although finals are in less than 3 weeks, so I know I'll be feeling the pressure later. Yikes.

RENT is coming to Pittsburgh too, and I'm really upset because A) I think tickets are sold out already and B) it's coming April 14-18th, which is THE week before finals. It would almost be academic suicide to go. I think I heard somewhere that there might be a few dangling tickets if I really wanted to go, but I dont think anyone else would skip studying to come with. So I'll have to see where that goes. Anthony Rapp and Adam Pascal will be starring so it'd totally be worth it too...

Hmm...what else? Not much really. The surgery to get my mass out wont happen until late July, so there's really no new information on that. They still don't know what it is.

So I guess without further ado, pictures from formal.

( Formalities are only for formals. )
Jess, Me, Jamie and Nicole

I Love this Girl.



Amanda!
 ( Formalities are just for formals. )( Formalities are only for formals. )My favorite sophmore Kaitlyn!





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So I'll try to say as much as I can, in the little time I have before class.

My surgery went well. I'm sore and a lot more tired than usual, but other than that I'm fine. My doctor got in there with a scope and was able to get some tissue from surrounding structures, but couldn't actually get at the mass because it's encapsulated, and he doesnt want to break it and perchance let whatever's in there spread. We havent heard yet any results, but he said it looks promising. If it is cancer, it's very, very, very early, which is excellent. I'll still have to have the major surgery to have it out, but he said I can wait until summer to do it, which is fantastic considering I have finals in like 3 weeks....So mostly good news there.

Umm....Charley has a girlfriend? Yeah. Mr. I Dont Want A Relationship got up and busy with this girl in less than 2 weeks. Granted, he's known her all year, but the romantic thing they have going started only about 2 weeks ago. Our little thing was over 4 months, and he held on to that mantra like it was his last breathe. Honestly, I'm totally fine with it. I'm estactically happy to announce that I'm thoroughly working on getting over him, and it's working. :] The only thing that confused me, was how quick it happened. I mean, come on, really? Ugh. Oh well. That's over and done with and I'm really proud of myself for finally getting on with myself. I think reading "Oh, the places you'll go" by Dr. Suess yesterday at Barnes and Nobles really helped too. I still will be friends with him, because he seems to manage those kinds of relationships semi-decently, but as for now? Nothing more. And that's perfectly okay with me.

Classes are doing okay. Some of my grades slipped due to all the classes I've had to miss because of my medical thingy, but nothing fell below a B-, which is okay with me. Hopefully I'll be able to bring some of the higher B's up to at least low As with my finals....which are so freaking soon! I think we're done April 26th or something. And then the summer....oh yes....

Oh and I watched Pocahontas last night, which made me really happy and relaxed and wonderful.

I just have to post to say that this is quite possibly the greatest day I have spent outside all year. 68? Check. Sunny? Check. A slight breeze? Check. Perfect enough for a cute skirt. ;)

Hmm. A lot has been happening, which has mostly accounted for my decided lack of any sign of life over the past couple weeks. The most important discovery...I need surgery.

A few weeks ago I went to my gyn to have my pill switched (was getting 2 periods a month on an active pill! Yuck!) and she did just a basic exam while I was there too, since it was convienient. Well, she found a lump on my chest. She seemed kind of worried, and asked me a few questions about whether or not I'd noticed it before, and I told her I hadnt, because I didnt have any reason to poke around there and find it. She let me go home - but called me later to make another appointment to be better safe then sorry. After some more poking around, she sent me to have a chest X-ray, which , yep, showed a mass. It was fuzzy and so then I was sent for a CT, which showed a better picture. Next came a barrage of thorasic surgeons, who ordered a CT angiogram and PET scan done (I was surprised I wasnt glowing green from all the radiation they were bestowing upon me. ;]). Up to date we know that it's not definitely cancer - on my PET scan it showed up as metabasizing around 1.7-1.8 and tumors usually operate at 2.5 and above. But it is doing something - and so they want to get it out, mostly to find out what exactly it is, since no one really knows, and the possibility of some sort of cancer is still looming in the air like a black cloud. But the kicker? The lump my gyn felt was just a slightly deformed rib I have that protrudes more than the rest of my chest. The actual mass is underneath my sternum connected to my thymus. Yeah. One of those freaky coincidental finds. But alas, surgery is somewhere in the future. I've talked to two different surgeons so far who have given me 2 completely different opinions on the type of surgery I'd have to go through, so my mom wants a third opinion. Oh, and all this is happening up here at Pitt during my classes. I chose to stay though, because there are plenty of good hospitals around here (I would know, since I've probably been to about half of them for insurance reasons) and I still wanted to keep up with classes without taking a medical leave. It's possible, because I'm 18 and all, but if one more person tells me how impressed or proud they are of me for handling all this "all on my own little lonesome" I WILL freak the hell out. Seriously. I'm 18. Not 4. And I can probably take needles better than anyone I would know who would come to hold my hand through the testing anyway. But that's been taking up the majority of my free time.

Spring break was restful, but I stayed here, for the reason listed above, to be available for doctor's appointments and such. Nicole stayed too until Thursday, and we had a lot of fun with pretty much the run of Oakland. We shopped, watched movies, did pedicures and henna, which turned out really fantastic because Nicole has an artisitic hand with that kind of stuff. I read a lot and generally didnt do any work, which was fantastic then but a little lazy in hindsight, with all I have to do now. Sigh.

Charley is as confusing as ever. Honestly, that boy probably always will be. But I'm not going to waste my time lamenting over him. What's done is done and what will happen, will happen.

Hmm, what else to update on? I'm uber excited for summer, though I have to plot a way to get a car, because it will utterly suck if I dont have my own means of transportation: problem - I'm broke. I was talking about maybe splitting a cheap car with my sister since she gets her license in May, but I dont know if that will actually happen.

Me and bunch of girls on my floor are going to see this contemporary ballet called American Rhythms on Friday. I'm going to wear my cute summer dress and be all pretty and have fun and it shall be fantastic. Charley might come, and Alex (who is such a sweetheart! I dont know if I've mentioned him - he's a friend of Charley's but he also lives in my dorm and is in my anthro class, so I get to talk to him a lot. He's really sweet and cute and wonderful, in a good guy friend kind of way. ;]) but if they don't it won't matter. It's still going to be amazing.

Did I mention I lost about 23 pounds since November too? I'm so proud of myself. I dropped 3 jean sizes too. :) Today is just a fantastic day.

I'm going to try and update more regularly, especially when I get some more information about what's going on. Otherwise...ta-ta for now, and I'm going to enjoy the lovely 65 degree sunny ecstasy waiting for me outside. :)

Here is the story I mentioned a few posts ago, the one I made up about Charley. You should know that it is fictional, for the most part, and I only left his name in there so I could better feel what was going on while I wrote it. The only thing that really happened was the sleepover scene. The prompt was trapped, and there's a 5 page limit (which I did go over by a half a page in the second draft). Any criticism is welcome. Mostly I'm worried that I tend to be too wordy - too long winded when a short simple and sweet sentence would suffice better. I'll post both the first and second drafts and you can read either, or both, or none, whichever you desire.
( Draft #1 )


( Draft #2 )
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I've decided 2 things. One: that I'm going to save up some side money this summer, buy a really nice camera, and take a photography class next semester. It's something I've always enjoyed looking at, but recently I've had a buzz to actually take the pictures, and I find myself looking at little things, or pretty landscapes and just itching for a camera in my hands. So, I'm going to listen to the buzz. I mean, why not? I've also been finding really cool pictures online, mostly by going back to old xanga's (yeah, remember those anyone? :P). I think it would be a cool new thing to try, and I love broadening my horizons.

Speaking of which, Two: I also want to take an EMT course this summer. This one is slightly older than the photography urge. I have a cousin who's a full time paramedic, and I actually used to think being an EMT would be really cool - but never actually took a class or anything because I didnt really get much stimulation for it outside of my small little urge when I was in high school. I didnt know either, that our tech school offered a health services program that would have trained me to be one. All you ever hear about over there are the culinary, law enforcement and cosmotology programs. But between being here in hospital city, and meeting both Nicole and Charley, who are both EMTs, I've really, truly begun to think about it. That's actually what Charley is going to school for - Emergency Medicine. The only problem I had with it was I was afraid for a bit what people would think of me for it. I wasn't sure if they would consider me a poser, or imposter, because I guess I think I'm starting late? Charley started when he was 16, and Nicole last year. And no, let me make it clear that I'm not doing this because of, for, or an in any way related to Charley. In fact, Nicole was the one I went to to talk about the possibility of taking a course - she was so very supportive and even offered me her huge EMT book to study with over the summer. But they both really just made me think about it. I don't want to close myself in on possibilities - I love English and reading and writing and I always will, but who knows what taking this course will do? Maybe it'll spark a whole new field of interest. Or maybe I'll just learn that medicine isn't my thing. Either way, I want to try, and I know I'll regret it if I don't.

So, yay for going out on a limb. I'll try to to kill anyone, k? :P

Otherwise, life is pretty good. School is getting hard again - back to paper upon paper upon paper - but spring break is only 17 days away! I still don't know what I'm doing for it, if I'm just going home or if we're going to my grandma's to go skiing. And I wont get to see my best friend at all, because her break is a week before ours. :( But it'll be nice to relax and chill and get rid of the stress of midterms again. This year is going so very fast. I can't believe we only have about 2 and a half months of school left. I'm so bittersweet about going home for the summer. I can't wait of course, to be back home, for the warmth, for all my old friends - but Nicole is staying here in Pittsburgh, Charley lives in Allentown, which is a good hour away from me, Jamie in Lancaster which is a good hour and half away. Amanda too, lives a good hike away. So I don't know how often I'll get to see any of them, and our summer break is about 4 months. That's a good chunk of time.

Ugh, class calls.

I have a twin in this world. His name is Ben and he's in my Intro to Critical Reading class and Intro to Fiction class. I didn't really talk to him much in class before about a week ago. That wednesday they workshopped my Fiction story in class, and later when I got home I had a friend request from him on Facebook. I didn't think much of it, accepted, and updated my Facebook status mentioning how I got a kick out of the debate my story created in class. (I actually wrote a scene that centered around Charley. It's ficticious and real - as in some parts actually happened, but the crux I made up. I'll post it later. You guys know actually know the story might get a kick out of it). I was getting a lot of great criticism, and I was surprised that a lot of people seemed to really like it. But about halfway through class one girl rasied her hand and said "Does anyone else notice the decided divide between the male and female criticisms here?" and an all out war erupted. The guys were siding with Charley ("He never said he loved her!" "He just said he'd be there, nothing else." *insert huge eye roll here*) and the girls were all for the girl. I just thought it was amusing. Anyway, he commented on my status a bit later, saying that it was because my story kicked ass. His words not mine. :] That was it until he actually IM-ed me on facebook a few days later to get one of our Prof's emails. Well, the conversation started out innocently enough - he asked if I was an English major, I said yes and asked him. He's English and Econ. Then I mentioned that I might be double-majoring in Pysch too, and he said that he loved Psych and that would be his second choice after Econ.

Pretty much the ENTIRE one hour long conversation went along those lines. "Don't tell me...you're an insomniac too?!" To sumamrize it all, we both love to travel, have been to Europe, want to backpack through it, really want to go to Greece specifically, get a kick out of languages, are incredibly independent and dont really get homesick (hello, Germany for a year?). It started to get weirder too - we both almost obsessively rearrange our rooms because we like the change. And like I said, we're both insomniacs, though him more than me. We both have the same ecclectic tast in music, but he's definitely a music buff (over 20,000 songs! and he says music is his passion before writing) and have the same views in life. It was so very strange, but also incredibly cool at the same time. Now I talk to him a bit more in class too, which is nice. Hopefully out of all this I'll get a new friend. Hopefully one that will transfer out of the classroom, because that's one of my biggest problems. I get along great with the kids I meet in my classes, but we never do anything outside of it - I just go home and hang out with Nicole or Jamie or Amanda. It'd be great if I could break that with Ben.

Plus it doens't hurt that he's cute, and seems to be my soul mate. ;]

Maybe this is exactly what I need right now, after Charley.

So yes. As I said earlier, me and Charley are just friends. I'm having a hard time reconciling in my head the Charley before/during break to the Charley after break. It's not that his personality or he himself did a 180, but I could definitely sense a subtle shift in his intentions about a week or so after we'd gotten back. It's so strange. He was so...passionate, intense, real... before break. Even during it! Infact, we clicked so much over that three week period of not seeing each other that I dared to believe that he might be willing to give the real thing a go. And it was great, perfectly normal, usual - up until about a week afterwards, when I noticed his level of flirtaciousness was not up to his usual standards and I sensed some sort of distance about him. Long story short, I finally asked him after the Superbowl (Oh my, the superbowl is a WHOLE other story. Pittsburgh was crazy, and I was smack dab in the middle of it, loving every second. ;]). if he felt the same way he did about me before break. He said that he loved my friendship but was becoming apathetic towards anything else. He didn't want any kind of relationship to sour our friendship, because I'm one of his best friends here at Pitt.

I can understand his logic. Perfectly. And I'm really glad he considers me among his good friends -what I don't get is the sudden turn around. The first weekend back, we had the most amazing time. It was utterly indescribable how amazing it was. He slept over again, and we spent the whole night talking and laying next to each other, and other more wonderful things. I don't get it. I don't honestly have a clue why his behavior changed so suddenly.

And of course he had to be ambigous - this whole conversation of us being friends was followed by a "for now." He can never just make things final? I tried. I asked if there ever would be an "us." I was tired of walking around bushes and playing hide-and-seek with somebody who obviously knew a lot more hiding places than I did. He said he wanted us to just be friends- for now. *sigh* I asked if we should end the physical part of our relationship too, and he said that would probably be best, since he did not want to use me for sex, because he didn't want that.

So, once again I'm unsure. About 4 days after this conversation too I went up to his dorm to drop off some stuff he'd left in my room after the Superbowl. I hadn't really seen him since that conversation so I didn't know what to expect. It was nice- we talked a lot, joked even more (I get such a kick out of teasing him) and it was fine. Then we started a wrestling/tickling match, and well, I pinned him to the ground and gave him a quick peck on the lips more because of my position literally on top of him and because the urge just suddenly came over me. Well I got up right away and played it off like nothing had happened, because I didn't really know if I'd crossed some new sort of boundary. Nothing really happened - it wasnt awkward or anything. But a tad later we ended up on his bed laying side by side, sharing the same pillow with his hand on my hip - just like every other time since October when we lay next to each other. And he kissed me a few more times too. Just soft quick kisses, no intense make-out scenes or anything. But can you understand how bewildered I was? Especially now since I sense that distance again a little bit. I mean we're still friends, but I really only get to see him on weekends-rarely during the week, so it's hard to keep up sometimes. I just once again don't know what to do about him. It seems like a repetitive cycle.

It's beautiful outside! Warm, sunny, 50's ish. Brilliant. :)

Hmm. Once again, it's been awhile. A lot has happened that I will recount, but I have class at 3, so I'll make a more substantial entry a bit later.

I've been re-reading my past posts a lot lately, and have realised that it's so very choppy and unconnected and hard to follow. I apologize. Trust me though, I'm going to write a book about this first year of mine in college - and I'll send ya'll a first edition signed copy if youre interested in putting together the huge chunks of my life over the past 6 months. Mostly though when I blog on here it's just an outpouring of emotion, just a way to get it down before I explode kind of thing. I have written journals that help too, but no one reads those, and I do think it helps that here I know I have people who care, and can see and want the best for me.

Mostly for now though, I'll just write that me and Charley are just friends right now. No benefits, no more than friends. He initiated that - not me. It's a very hard thing to deal with right now.

Answers to the questions I received:

Hmmmm... do you want kids? If so, what type of mum do you want to be? dieloreley 

I do really want kids...in the distant future. For me, settling down means I've done all that I could possibly do before I'm content to stay in one spot for a while; and from a girl who lives for change, that probably won't happen until my late 20's. I did also really want a big family - 4 kids or so, but realized that might be a bit more than I can chew, especially with the economy and all things to consider like college, so I've settled on a slightly more managable 2 kids. I hope to be the kind of free-flowing mom whose kids know they can talk to me whenever they need it. I'm all for the "live and learn" aspects of life, so I don't think I'd be uber strict with them unless the situation warrented it (like drugs or alcohol, or sex way too early). I think being a soccer-stay-at-home-mom would be cool for a little while, but I don't think I could make that my lifestyle at all. Hopefully my kids are cool, and we'll have some fun times together. ;)

What is your greatest desire? What is the worst that could possibly happen?
Upon your death, what do you want your last thoughts about life to be?  contessanatasha 

Lots there. My greatest desire...hmm....My greatest desire would be to live the life I've always dreamed of - get through college, and then spend a few years seeing the world - traveling everywhere, maybe backpacking a few places, and being all touristy other places. I really want to visit so many different countries. Especially England and India. They're top 2 right now.

The worst that could happen? Anyone's death. I've been so lucky so far in my life to not lose anyone close to me. My grandparents are all still walking (thank goodness) and both my real granddads died before I was born, so I really didn't have to deal with their loss in a very personal way. I think if anyone of my family or friends died, it would be very, very hard for me. Also I think, going through life and never finding the true meaning of love would be excruciating. Sappy, but also tough.

I want my last thoughts to be something along the lines of "Ahh, that was a nice ride. Now it's time for Round Two." I really hope I get to live my life to its best. Whether or not I get to do everything I want is irrelevant. I just hope I can be the best person I can be. I hope through my walk of life that I put a smile on someone's face for a at least a day, helped someone come out of a tough time better than where they started and truley and absolutely and completely loved another soul more than I could ever have dreamed, conjured or imagined in my deepest darkest thoughts. That would be okay with me.

Stolen from multiple people. And because I feel like this would actually be good for me.


Everyone has things they blog about. Everyone has things they don't blog about. Challenge me out of my comfort zone by telling me something I don't blog about, but you'd like to hear about, and I'll write a post about it.

Ask for anything: latest movie watched, last book read, political leanings, thoughts on yaoi (if you want to ask about that, make sure to explain to me what that is first!), favourite type of underwear, life experiences etc. Then, if you'd like to, repost in your own journal so that we can all learn more about each other.

The new semester has begun. I've only actually had one class so far, Introduction to Critical Reading, which seems at least slightly interesting, if not wholly entertaining. It's one of those courses I have to take as an English major, so I decided to do it now rather than later as it will probably be helpful in some of my other Lit classes. Next on the list today is Men and Women in Ancient Mediterrain Society! I always loved Greek and Roman history and this course looks incredibly fascinating. I've already browsed through one of the textbooks about women in ancients and it was hilarious! The views men used to have....well some of them still do at this rate.

I absolutely love being back at Pitt. It really has become my home in an independent grown-up on my own kind of way. Me and Nicole gave each other leaping hugs and fell right back into our silly loosey goosey rythym like we hadn't been gone for 3 weeks. That was really fantastic - and slightly relieving because I probably only talked to her 2 or 3 times over break. I'm glad we're still the way we used to be. We havent really had a chance to catch up though, because I was tired and... Charley came over. He made me even more tired. *cough* Yes, I'll say it, even though it's probably TMI. We had lots of mind-blowingly good sex for a good 2 and a half hours. That boy. I did a whole hell of a lot of soul searching and came up quite a bit short of where I'd hoped regarding him. I've come to terms with the sex, though. I definitely wouldn't be doing it if I felt like it was a problem for me, or if not doing it would make any difference anyway, which I don't think it would, so I figure why not enjoy myself while I'm at it. Yes, I know it's probably a bad idea. Yeah, the sex is probably going to make me more attached to him than I already am. Yes, it'll probably just hurt me more in the long run. But you know what? For once I'm not going to worry about tomorrow, or next week, or next year. For once, I'm going to royally fuck up (if it does come to that - you know I have to still cling to some naive hope that I won't) and not give a damn about right or wrong, or good or bad. It's college and I'm going to pretend like I don't care what people think of me for my choices. (Actually, Nicole doesn't know I'm sleeping with him. I don't want her to get the wrong idea -even though I don't know what'd that be or if she'd get it - but I think for now I'm not going to say anything....funny side story actually. I have a single, which lends itself well to the roomate issue when it comes to getting down and dirty with someone in your dorm room. Well, I think I might be louder than I think I am because I don't know if they can hear me the next room over or not. Last night though, after I'd already signed Charley out, I was walking to the bathroom (probably looking very tired and worn out) and two girls on my floor were in the hallway. They were sniggering and laughing assumably over something they were talking about, when Stella turns around to me and says, "You look very tired Kellie...are you okay?" in a slightly sarcastic/ funny way. I pretended like I was just worn out from the trip home and continued on my way. It wasn't incredibly suspicious, but I can't help but wonder if they really did hear me through my door or something. Oops. Haha. Anyway...) I think I'm just going to see what happens. I'm still not going to let the girlfriend thing drop though, as we had that entire conversation via textmessages, which I was not happy about because textmessages are very ambiguous. He's going to sit his arse down and explain to me start to finish exactly everything that happened. I want to know when, who and how, and I think I have every god damn right to know those things. He's not getting off the hook that easily.

My room is a disaster from unpacking. And I need to go to Target and get a bunch of stuff I couldn't bring back with me on the bus. Argh.
 

So it has been awhile again. To everyone on my flist, I hope you all had wonderful holidays, no matter what you celebrate. Mine were fine - nothing spectacular. It was nice to get to see everyone again, especially since I only saw a few of my aunts and uncles at Thanksgiving. I got a lot of good stuff for Christmas, mostly because I picked it out myself and my dad just wrapped it and put it under the tree. :P The holidays are almost over. I'm sad to see them end, but I'm getting increasingly antsy about going back to school. I'm actually really happy I go back the 4th (which is really early for a lot of colleges - but we get out earlier in the summer) because I don't think I could stand another 2 weeks of lazing around doing nothing. Plus I miss my college friends a whole hell of a lot. They really became my family in a way I was not expecting.

And I could honestly sit here and fill the rest of the page with tales regarding Charley the problem boy, but I'm not going to. I have a whole notebook filled with it anyway. Mostly I'm trying really really hard to not focus solely on him, which he's making very hard to do, considering his sweet talking abilities. One of the things I got for Christmas was a webcam, to keep up with my friends at other colleges better, and I talked with him via said webcam on Christmas night, for like 2 hours. It was great. But I swear he has multiple personalities. He has to. Because guess what I found out a few days ago before this happened? That other girl, who I thought was in the same position as me in regards to the "I like him but he doesn't want a relationship so we'll just give him what he wants because we don't want to lose him" actually one-upped me. Because you see, they were actually dating. Yep. While I was sitting there, completely oblivious to everything, they were dating. Mr. I Don't Want A Fucking Relationship, who sat there and told me that, repeatedly, was dating her. He must have been out of his mind if he thinks I would have come near him with a 2 foot pole if I had known he was dating someone. I asked him too, if we hooked up while they were together. He said once. I was not happy, to say the very very least. How dare he put me in that position? Argh. But of course through the last couple of days he's put it to the back of my mind, being sweet old Charley. The cheater must have been Chaz surfacing (yeah, Chaz is his nickname). I don't understand him. And I totally oversimplfy it when I write it down, because it's not at all easy to explain the complete complexness of his personality. And I'm not completely naive, I know he has issues, but it's so hard to convey why I'm still drawn to him. Because he just isn't an asshole. He's not. Infact, most of the time, he's the sweetest, most gentlemanly, genuinely caring guy you'll ever meet. But his morals? More ambigous than hell's. His outlook on girls/dating? Cynical. He needs some sort of catalyst to get him off his rocker. I just don't know what it is.

See? I've already filled more of the page than I wanted to with him. It's like a disease - once I start I have to finish. I have a lot of worries right now, mostly involved with paying for college, and my money situation. My family is stretched very thin finacially right now, mostly because my mom still hasn't been able to land a job, and we just barely have enough to get by on the morgage and bills, let alone try to make a college payment in the thousands. We probably wouldn't have even had a Christmas if my grandma hadn't sent my dad a check for $900 dollars. Pretty much all the money I got from relatives for Christmas will be put towards buying books for next semester. It's so hard, balancing everything. I really wanted to go skiing, but that would be $50, as I left my skis at Pitt and would have to rent. I just can't justify it, as much as I really want to. I'm allowing myself $100 to actually spend on something for myself for Christmas, but I still need to get things that I'm running out of, like shampoo and body wash and stuff along those lines. It sucks, but I'm trying to make it work while also making the best out of it. My mom assures me we'll be fine for this year. We still have some bonds left and I still have a grand in my bank account from graduation, but we're proabably going to still have to take a loan out. It's going to be rough, but I'll do it.

I feel like I'm skimming the surface sometimes. Like I'm in some sort of suspended state of being, wherein I don't really feel anything at all, and if I do, it's almost like I'm looking at myself hurting from somewhere else, like I'm not really the one feeling it. I've been floating in and out of said state for about 3 weeks. It went away almost completely when I first got home - being around all my friends and seeing my family seemed to really take me out of my funk, but I can feel it slowly creeping back. Something needs to happen, and once again, I have no idea what.

So, I just finished talking to him. A lot was said, as a lot needed to be said. I won't go into all the details, as it was much too long to retell, but I'm happy with where we ended. He surprised me with a lot of the things he had to say. He didn't try to cover anything up, or lie, and I learned a lot about him I didn't know before. But I'm better, and smarter, because of the situation. I'm going to have an open mind right now and not just focus on him. He'll be there in the distance, I know, but for now, I'm going where the wind will take me.

I feel so used. And stupid. And naive. God, I knew this was coming, and yet I still continued.

I slept with him. I fell for the "you're beautiful's" and the "I like you's." I fell for the hugs and the kisses, the sweet talking gentleman who was a complete and utter lie.

You see it all started tumbling when he asked me what I was doing Friday. I said some girls on my floor were thinking about going iceskating, but it wasn't final. Well he asked me to go ice skating with him, if they decided they didnt want to do. That's exactly what his text said - there was really no possible way to misinterpret that. I said yes. Well, when I called him later about it (after the girls decided we should wait till after break), he must have been somewhere loud, because I couldn't understand a word he said except the very end when he said "I'll call you later." So I said okay and hung up. And waited. For three hours. After recieving nothing, I texted him, asking him if he was preoccupied. He responded saying he was studying (it is finals week - but funny thing, he studies with the other girl in this equation...), and then he called, apologizing profusely. It was too late to go iceskating, so I invited him over to watch Harry Potter with a few of my friends. We sat next to each other, he put his arm around me...we held hands...of course I fell for that. And then after it was over, he slept over. No need to elaborate, except for the fact that I trusted him enough to let go of my self control. Big mistake. The next morning, I had wanted to talk to him about the situation (the fact that there's still two of us...) and I asked him how many girls he liked, honestly. He said two.

So on Sunday we go to church together, and what do I find out? That he went iceskating Saturday night...with her. And later, on facebook? Pictures of them holding hands, hugging...

And...I broke. Literally and completely. I broke. And cried, of course. Because I knew it was happening, but knowing is not seeing, as I found out the hard way. And I decided that I waas finally going to confront him. Really confront him. The very thing I'd been putting off, subconsciously just wanting this...thing we had going on to continue rather than nothing at all. Well, he's been semi-ignoring me for the last four hours or so, of me asking him if he could please meet me somewhere...

I need to end this. Do something. Ignoring it, and being ignored willmake it 10000000 times harder to get over it rather than just shutting the book. And he won't let me do it.

How could I have been so stupid?